Fatedshadow Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUMERIAN BLOOD GOD Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 http://i52.tinypic.com/2d56z8.jpg Seriously though, it's rife with spelling and grammatical errors. It's incredibly difficult to follow because the sentences are so poorly constructed and it's unclear who's saying what to whom. I have no idea what you were going for. What's the specific wording of the grant? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatedshadow Posted August 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Seriously though, it's rife with spelling and grammatical errors. It's incredibly difficult to follow because the sentences are so poorly constructed and it's unclear who's saying what to whom. I have no idea what you were going for. What's the specific wording of the grant? No two people are talking it's a poem so read it as a you normally would, also could you point the spelling errors out to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
█␢█ Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 (edited) This isn't meant to be a mockery of your poor grammar, since I'm assuming you'd want it as flawless as possible for a grant. I'm only going through with a cursory reading, mind you. So the only things I'm looking for are grammar and style/flow issues. Also if it seems like I'm nit-picking small things, it's because I'm assuming you copy-pasted this thing and might miss it through your own proofreading. Red things are the errors that I'm certain are wrong and you should definitely change. Orange ones were the things that I wasn't too sure of or the things that, at least, I would change if it were my writing. Spoiler! --Click Here to View!--Et adolebit tentationis, est frigida animadverterent I have risked my life, defense alongside you and I have no regrets,30 however it seems your time away from the fidget touch of loneliness and the unambiguous flow of longing has;1 melted the frozen purity that was once the crystalline clear waters of your soul which constructed it’s2 entirety. With your wants far from filled but your fears of self-regression to the state which you once resided3, you would rather carry a flame to your own breast and bring an end to the visage in which you reflected the light of your purpose so brilliantly and absolute,4 that same shine the very manifestation of my will5 that steadied my shield with will5 and coated my armor in resolve as mine did your own. If you would give up, the same cold properties that embody your grace and my dedication6. For the hope that now fleeting soul will have some "fire" in its memory some7 blaze of progression through its problematic account. Then i8 regret to inform you, the petals of the flowers you hope to bloom from[--]your so zealously martyred person[--]will never penetrate the bare ground. It’s hue derives from the fire;9 sparked by the passions of unnamed[,] interminable dearth and enraged by the perverse provocation that ungodly greed so gladly fuels. My disgraceful[,] faltering snowflake remember this as you succumb to your end,10 you will not feed your tarnished soul's once cool and vibrant whites and blues;11 deserving of your once bold bravery and indestructible divinity. No flower will grow from your now tarnished remains; the only hearth for your head will be dyed brown. The same brown as the mud as your pride when it's screams end and body stilled in it's now pointless demise.12 Know this;13 on your tomb only dandelions shall grow the manifestation of your folly. In death your spirit will know the same existence in life; in the biting cold it's14 plumage stains white in longing it shall sway to the melancholy melody of unmistakable desire15. Your frail[,] misfortunate head stone16 will meet your same disappointing end,17 It's18 hope to be adored as the flower it so tragically wished it to be,19 will only reach the same regrettably pitiful end as you,20 for no plant save the fungi spawned both of ends could envy a weed.21 Defense should ring with resolve; there is beauty in snows[--]fall the will to fall….22 No “dive” to a taxing and trying existence is not boring or23 lacking in depth,24 but rather exudes grace and renders one’s understanding of the limit to resolve all but irrelevant. A flame may for sometime flicker in our recollection[,] fondling our far gone memories[--]like the heat of the moment when boy poised to tempt a maiden, or as a gladiator whose greatest moment would easily put the demons of hell ablaze with envy 25. That flame will echo’s26 for quite some time in our minds. The snow will coat our memories with the same chill a women's first lover's27 caress sent down her spine,28 and29 of the Templar whose finest hour would move even the angels to tears. This consoling snow will remain in our heart forever. ---------------- RemoveReplace with itsAwkward, vague wordingReplace with dashAwkwardly repetitiveIncomplete sentence ("the same cold properties that embody your grade and my dedication" do what if they were to "give up"?)Add comma between the two wordsCapitalizationReplace with commaReplace with colonReplace with commaWould flow better if you worded the sentence "[...] tarnished remains. The only hearth for your head will be dyed brown (the same brown as the mud--as your pride when its screams end and body stilled in its now pointless demise)."Replace with colonReplace with itsRun on sentenceHeadstone is one wordReplace with semicolonReplace with itsRemoveReplace with periodAwkward; specifically "spawned both of ends"Remove period after ellipsisReplace with norRemoveRemove space between "envy" and periodRemoveAwkward; specifically that the two possessive "'s"s interrupts flowRemoveReplace with orReplace with period ------------------- I have no idea if, as a whole, the poem-thing is supposed to be this verbose and winded in that Charles Dickens fashion. I didn't bother to analyze the subject matter and content because well, frankly, it's so obscure that it could mean anything. EDIT: WAIT WHAT THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE TALKING. WHAT THE SHIT. I ONLY PICKED UP ONE NARRATOR. FUCKING.EDIT 2: MISSED ONE. APPENDED LIST.EDIT 3: You know, I take that back, comparing your pos to Charles Dickens. As much as I don't like the guy's writing, he doesn't deserve that insult. Edited August 23, 2011 by NlJl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ataraxis Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 from the fidget touch /word paperclip face/ I see your document has references to freezing and fire. Is it possible you meant 'frigid' touch? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
exogen Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Honestly Fated I don't really know what your writing about because you loose me in your sentences. I know it's poetic. I write poetry myself but i would suggest trying to chop your sentences down a bit and talk to someone about using puctuation properly. My grammar isn't the greatest but I think you need some help with your writing. For instance, what does this mean? "have risked my life, defense alongside you and I have no regrets," The connection between the part before the comma and the part after is ill defined. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about here. perhaps you meant something like this. have risked my life; defense alongside you and I have no regrets, Use of the semicolon is maybe what you might be trying to achieve with the comma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUMERIAN BLOOD GOD Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 (edited) I agree with buttmunch. This does not need a going-over for grammar and punctuation and spelling. This needs a re-write. You need to sit yourself down and ask yourself if this piece really delivers your intended message because so far, from what we've said, it's failed miserably in that respect. If I was in charge of giving people money for something they'd written, this would be far at the bottom of the list of candidates. It sacrifices focus and clarity for faux-intellectualism. Instead of making the work beautiful, your style has brought it down until it's unintelligible. Try again. Edited August 24, 2011 by Ninety Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shirtless Crackhead Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 I vote Fated give up writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bakuhatsu Pengin Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 (edited) ITS DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS! While terminal marks (i.e., full stops, exclamation marks, and question marks) mark the end of a sentence, the comma, semicolon and colon are normally sentence internal, making them secondary boundary marks. Semicolons are intermediate in strength between terminal marks and commas; their strength is equal to that of the colon. [edit]ConstraintsWhen a semicolon marks the left boundary of a constituent (e.g., a clause or a phrase), the right boundary is marked by punctuation of equal or greater strength.When two or more semicolons are used within a single construction, all constituents are at the same level, unlike commas which can separate, for example, main clauses from subordinate clauses. [edit]UsageSemicolons are followed by a lower case letter, unless that letter is the first letter of a proper noun. Modern style guides recommend no space before them, and one space after. Modern style guides also typically recommend placing semicolons outside of ending quotation marks—although this was not always the case. For example, the first edition of the Chicago Manual of Style (1906) recommended placing the semicolon inside ending quotation marks. Applications of the semicolon in English include:Between items in a series or listing containing internal punctuation, especially parenthetic commas, where the semicolons function as serial commas:She saw three men: Jamie, who came from New Zealand; John, the milkman's son; and George, a gaunt kind of man.Several fast food restaurants can be found within the cities: London, England; Paris, France; Dublin, Ireland; and Madrid, Spain.Examples of familiar sequences are: one, two, and three; a, b, and c; and first, second, and third.(Fig. 8; see also plates in Harley 1941, 1950; Schwab 1947).This is by far the most frequent use currently.Between closely related independent clauses not conjoined with a coordinating conjunctionI went to the basketball court; I was told it was closed for cleaning.I told Kate she's running for the hills; I wonder if she knew I was joking.Nothing is true; everything is permitted.A man chooses; a slave obeys.I told John that his shoe was untied; he looked.Between independent clauses and semi clauses linked with a transitional phrase or a conjunctive adverbEveryone knows he is guilty of committing the crime; of course, it will never be proven.It can occur in both melodic and harmonic lines; however, it is subject to certain restraints.Of these patients, 6 were not enrolled; thus, the cohort was composed of 141 patients at baseline.This is the least common use, and is mostly confined to academic texts.via. Edited August 25, 2011 by noob Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted November 17, 2011 Report Share Posted November 17, 2011 That was fucking awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nomrah Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 I like the part when the boy was poised to tempt the maiden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Know this; on your tomb only dandelions shall grow the manifestation of your folly. In death your spirit will know the same existence in life; in the biting cold it's plumage stains white in longing it shall sway to the melancholy melody of unmistakable desire. fuck man he got all Metal on you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nomrah Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 The snow will coat our memories with the same chill a women's first lover's caress sent down her spine I can feel it now... The Metal, the Romance. Very underrated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shirtless Crackhead Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 Sometimes I worry about you dude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted November 18, 2011 Report Share Posted November 18, 2011 I have risked my life, defense alongside you and I have no regrets, however it seems your time away from the fidget touch of loneliness and the unambiguous flow of longing has; melted the frozen purity that was once the crystalline clear waters of your soul which constructed it's entirety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Know this; on your tomb only dandelions shall grow the manifestation of your folly. [...] A flame may for sometime flicker in our recollection fondling our far gone memories like the heat of the moment when boy poised to tempt a maiden, or as a gladiator whose greatest moment would easily put the demons of hell ablaze with envy . That flame will echo's for quite some time in our minds. The snow will coat our memories with the same chill a women's first lover's caress sent down her spine, and of the Templar whose finest hour would move even the angels to tears. This consoling snow will remain in our heart forever. Man oh man This was totally worth revisiting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ataraxis Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think I get it now. Winter is long and brutal, but we'll remain strong so long as the fire in our hearts continues to burn; Our own warmth only giving further comfort because the world is so cold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 hmm, nah that doesn't sound right, the tone is bitter and defiant pretty often and the voice gets angry a few times peep this too Et adolebit tentationis, est frigida animadverterent google translate: And the priest shall burn the temptation , it is observed that those with cold water my guess is that we as warriors must strive to become worthwhile memories in death, eternal fires if you will, and this is especially likely if our deaths are violent and hateful the cold is a metaphor for life tho i think ur right there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ataraxis Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 Tbh I was just pulling it out of my ass it still makes no sense. Where's the translate from fated to English option on google translate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 i let google detect it i also made that shit up mostly the original has no meaning that much is obvious its like AC, its only good cuz we can make it good, its trash otherwise just like that translation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Talentless Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 I'm going to have to track down fated and ask him to write for my comic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 we all do, really Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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