Armored Core: The End of a New Beginning

[Blue Falcon]

DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS POST!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Prologue

 

 

 

 

 

Jumping into the cockpit of his AC, the Raven began booting up the main system.

 

<Activating.......>

 

<Armored Core booting up......>

 

<Please register Raven ID......>

 

The Raven reach for his idenification card, and slid it through the hologram board.

 

<Registering...... confirmed... Welcome Raven, Kaiju Wunderblitz......>

 

<Registering Armored Core, Blue Falcon...... register confirmed with Raven ID......>

 

Inside the cockpit, the Raven grab onto the control stick, looking at the stats of his machine. Reading the information his AC was reporting to him, he repeated what was in front of him.

 

"G91 Generator, green. ANANDA Radiator, green. TP Booster, green. MIROKU FCS and ECM, green. Weapons check. CENTAUR, green. PIXIE3, green. Moonlight, green."

 

Sighing in relief, the Raven move his head up to the screen, and flick a red switch near the control stick.

 

<AC, engaging in normal mode......>

 

Turning on, with the QUEEN's visor turning bright orange red, the joints began moving with every mechanical noise moving, coisiding with one another. The exhaust began bursting, heating and starting the generator. The boosters, moving back and forth, blew a small burst of jet heat, confirming activation. With the locks released, the AC began moving forward, with each mechanical step sounding quieter and quieter until it stood in front of a hanger door. Inside the cockpit, the Raven look at his keyboard and began typing on it. A few moments later, the hanger door open, and on the other side, was an elevator. Walking to the elevator, the doors closed, and lock. As the locks were confirmed, the elevator began rising up at a slow, constant movement. Inside the cockpit, the Raven stare at a new screen that appear to his left, revealing his operator.

 

"Raven...... you are the last hope for the Ark....... good luck......"

 

With static appearing in the back and foreground, signal with the radio operator was lost. As the elevator was reaching towards the end of its reach, the ceiling above open, revealing a dark grey sky, with unmaned suicide weapons flying everywhere... slamming and destroying everything they saw indiscriminately. On the roof of Raven's Ark, the Raven activated the booster, hovering above the elevator, as it began to descend, and the blast door closing, locking in place. Staring at the sky, the Raven and his AC look in wonder, as the suicide weapons now began to change their target to him. Raising his PIXIE3 at the suicide weapon, the Raven spoke his last word.

 

"Raven Ark may fall....... but a Raven never dies......"

 

<AC, engaging in combat mode>

 

 

 

 

 

This event....... was considered the most catastrophic event known to mankind since the events of the Great Destruction. With the fall of Raven Ark, the Big Three, Crest, Mirage, and Kisaragi, merge into one giant entity organization known as Alliance. The purpose of Alliance was to restore peace and the old ways of Raven Ark, to preserve the old traditions and hope for humanity. Alliance was not trusted by everyone. After all, Alliance's control was by the Big Three... who still control with money, greed, and corruption. Even with its flaws, some Ravens allied themselves with Alliance to help preserve the ways of old, or for other means. Against Alliance was a lone Raven who spoke out against the Big Three during the "Nexus" era. Jack-O, an ace Raven of Ark's Arena, warned Ravens all across Raven Ark about the Big Three, and their corruption that would destroy the meaning of Raven Ark. After the suicide unmaned incident, most former Ravens from Raven Ark join in Jack-O's cause to destroy the Alliance, and create a new future for Ravens. Jack-O's foundation would eventually evolve into the organization, Vertex. However, not all Ravens agree with both point of views. The Independent, are Ravens who are only doing what they can to survive in the aftermath. They do not share the political ideals of Aillance or Vertex. Their only strife of living is to fend for themselves. There is a 3rd party however, called the Independent Warlords. They are Ravens who once had power during Raven Ark and have still redeem their power for their own selfess or selfish reasonings. They too, do not care for Vertex or Alliance's political dreams, but that doesn't mean that they can turn a blind eye. Whenever the option and oppurtunity was there, they would take advantage of both sides, to receive goods and supplies, to fasten their own goals. It has been half a year since the end of the "Nexus" era...... and Vertex is now making its final move on Alliance. Only twenty-four hours, before Vertex strikes. The final battle is about to begin. Which side would end up victorious over the other? Which Raven would stand, and which would fall? This is his story...... the one which history would call...... the Last Raven......

[SUMERIAN BLOOD GOD]

I know you said don't respond but I really felt like somebody should proofread this. There are a lot of grammatical errors, especially with regard to changing tense within a sentence.

 

 

 

Prologue

 

 

Jumping into the cockpit of his AC, the Raven began booting up the main system.

 

<Activating.......>

 

<Armored Core booting up......>

 

<Please register Raven ID......>

 

The Raven reached for his idenification card, (delete this comma) and slid it through the hologram board.

 

<Registering...... confirmed... Welcome Raven, Kaiju Wunderblitz......>

 

<Registering Armored Core, Blue Falcon...... register confirmed with Raven ID......>

 

Inside the cockpit, the Raven grabbed onto the control stick, (delete this comma) looking and looked at the stats of his machine. Reading the information his AC was reporting to him, he repeated what was in front of him. (This sentence is a little redundant. Consider something like "As the AC rolled off the information to him, he repeated it aloud.")

 

"G91 Generator, green. ANANDA Radiator, green. TP Booster, green. MIROKU FCS and ECM, green. Weapons check. CENTAUR, green. PIXIE3, green. Moonlight, green."

 

Sighing in relief, the Raven moved his head up to the screen, (delete this comma) and flicked a red switch near the control stick.

 

<AC, engaging in normal mode......>

 

Turning on, with the QUEEN's visor turning bright orange red, the joints began moving with every mechanical noise moving, coisiding with one another.

 

This sentence doesn't make much sense in general. It has several problems such as the object of the sentence being unclear. The way it's set up now, the thing that's turning on are the joints but it would make more sense that the visor was what is turning on.

 

"[...] the joints began moving with every mechanical noise moving,"

 

The noises shouldn't be moving. Consider rephrasing to describe the type of noises the joints are making. You also misspell "coinciding" as "coisiding." I wouldn't use that word anyway as this sentence needs to be rephrased heavily. Its placement at the beginning of the paragraph is strange as well since you would imagine the generator and other power sources would need to be on before the AC starts moving around.

 

The exhaust began bursting, heating and starting the generator. The boosters, moving back and forth, blew a small burst of jet heat, confirming activation. With the locks released, the AC began moving forward, with each mechanical step sounding quieter and quieter until it stood in front of a hanger hangar door. Inside the cockpit, the Raven looked at his keyboard and began typing on it.

 

A few moments later, the hanger hangar door opened , (delete this comma) and on the other side , (delete this comma) was an elevator.

 

Consider rewriting this sentence. "A few moments later, the hangar door opened, revealing an elevator on the other side."

 

Walking to the elevator, the doors closed, and locked.

 

This makes it seem like the doors close before the AC gets in. "The AC walked into the elevator, the doors closing and locking behind it."

 

As the locks were confirmed, the elevator began rising up (you don't need to say "up" here. If something is rising it is by definition moving up.) at a slow, constant movement. Inside the cockpit, the Raven stared at a new screen that appeared to his left, revealing his operator.

 

"Raven...... you are the last hope for the Ark....... good luck......"

 

With static appearing in the back and foreground, signal with the radio operator was lost.

 

As the elevator was reaching towards the end of its reach track, the ceiling above opened, revealing a dark grey sky, (delete this comma) with unmaned unmanned suicide weapons flying everywhere... slamming into and destroying everything they saw indiscriminately. On the roof of Raven's Ark, the Raven activated the AC's boosters , (delete this comma) hovering and hovered above the elevator, (delete this comma) as it began to descend, and the blast door closing, locking in place. Staring at the sky, the Raven and his AC looked in wonder (an AC cannot look at anything in wonder. It's an object without feeling. Unless you're planning on making ACs with feeling you should delete that part) as the suicide weapons now began to change their target to him. Raising his PIXIE3 at the suicide weapons, the Raven spoke his last words.

 

"Raven Ark may fall....... but a Raven never dies......"

 

<AC, engaging in combat mode>

 

 

 

 

 

This event....... (delete these periods. This paragraph (which should probably be broken up into more than one) comes off as narration coming from someone outside the world where the story takes place. I would avoid such a dramatic tone but that's just me.) was considered the most catastrophic event known to mankind since the events of the Great Destruction. With the fall of Raven Ark, the Big Three, (change this comma to a colon) Crest, Mirage, and Kisaragi, merged into one giant entity organization (choose one or the other. I would choose organization) known as Alliance. The purpose of Alliance was to restore peace and the old ways of Raven Ark, to preserve the old traditions and hope for humanity. Alliance was not trusted by everyone. After all, Alliance's control was by the Big Three... who still control with money, greed, and corruption. (This sentence is awkward but I don't really have any ideas on how to fix it.) Even with its flaws, some Ravens allied themselves with Alliance to help preserve the ways of old, or for other means reasons. Against Alliance was a lone Raven who spoke out against the Big Three during the "Nexus" era. Jack-O, an ace Raven of Ark's Arena, warned Ravens all across Raven Ark about the Big Three, (delete this comma) and their corruption that would destroy the meaning of Raven Ark. After the suicide unmaned unmanned incident, (you should probably come up with another name for this. It needs to still be descriptive so readers know that you're referring to the suicide attack but "suicide unmanned incident" is strange and awkward) most former Ravens from Raven Ark join in Jack-O's cause to destroy the Alliance, and create a new future for Ravens. Jack-O's foundation would eventually evolve into the organization, Vertex. However, not all Ravens agree with both point of views either point of view. The Independent, (delete this comma) are Ravens who are only doing what they can to survive in the aftermath. They do not share the political ideals of Aillance Alliance or Vertex. (you really don't need to say this since you already said they don't agree with either point of view) Their only strife of living (strife of living? What does that even mean? Do you mean purpose for living?) is to fend for themselves. There is a 3rd party however, called the Independent Warlords. (Wouldn't this really be a 4th party? Or are they a subset of the Independent? Maybe just say "there is another party") They are Ravens who once had power during Raven Ark and have still redeem retained/held on to their power for their own selfess selfless or selfish reasonings reasons. They too, do not care for Vertex or Alliance's political dreams, but that doesn't mean that they can turn a blind eye (You have to turn a blind eye to something. "[...] but that doesn't mean they can turn a blind eye to their actions."). Whenever the option and oppurtunity was there, they would take advantage of both sides, (delete this comma) to receive goods and supplies, to fasten their own goals.

 

(Break the following sentences into their own paragraph and get rid of all those periods. By the way, a proper ellipsis is only 3 periods...) It has been half a year since the end of the "Nexus" era...... and Vertex is now making its final move on Alliance. Only twenty-four hours, (delete this comma) before Vertex strikes. The final battle is about to begin. Which side would will end up victorious over the other? Which Raven would will stand, and which would will fall? This is his story...... the one which history would call...... the Last Raven......

 

 

Sorry if that came off harsh.

[Shirtless Crackhead]

#90forenglishprofessoratarmoredcoreuniversity

[The Talentless]

That's the old way they used to do it, right? Make a topic for your fic and a second for discussion. A pointless system if you ask me.

[Py687]

I've only seen two topics for forum RPs, people don't usually mind comments in the same thread from what I've experienced. Stuff's usually posted somewhere offsite anyway, e.g. fanfiction.net.

 

Ninety's straight rippin' into the fic huh.

[Blue Falcon]

Sorry if I'm old school. This is what I used to do on ACO.

 

=w=

 

I feel like a newb since I haven't been on here for almost 3 years.

 

And yeah, I have grammar issues, nobody is perfect. I accept that. It just who I am.

Edited October 15, 2014 by Blue Falcon

[SUMERIAN BLOOD GOD]

lol poor grammar isn't the same as coming to terms with your sexuality or something like that. It just means you need to pay more attention in school.

[YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR]

back in the day you'd have to post a second thread for discussion. you never did that so we have to talk about it here. if you're gonna claim old school then u gotta do old school right at least

 

And yeah, I have grammar issues, nobody is perfect. I accept that. It just who I am.

 

woah now, cmon son that's nonsense

 

you can't just accept that you're making tons of grammar mistakes and chalk it up to "nobody is perfect" you have to try to improve that

 

that kind of logic is gonna keep me from even reading this, dont do that

 

strive to be better always, this isn't some great reality about urself ur accepting like "I'm never gonna be an nba player" or some shit, this is being bad at grammar

[Blue Falcon]

I'm been bad at grammer since high school. I can make a good argument and story, but I still suck at grammar.

 

Even when I do try to fix it, there always seems to be another issue.

 

Its a general fact that I know about myself. I will try to fix my grammar issue next time, but its no promise that the next one will fix all of my issues.

 

When I meant old school, I meant that my habits when before I submit, I would write the warning on top. Sorry if that took in the wrong way.

 

I don't mean to sound rude or some lazy punk, but I honestly still can not grasp the concept of using grammar properally.

[YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR]

thats okay bro just keep trying and let ppl help with proofreading

 

we're here for u!

 

just dont try to use the nobody's perfect excuse it just doesnt fit here

[Blue Falcon]

Well I'm bad at putting words in meanings that people can understand (even my family laughs at me because I say things that they know what I'm trying to say but I make it sound like something else).

 

=w=

[Py687]

On the grammar thing, people treat the rules as rules so they try and memorize all that shit. Any high school English class that teaches you grammar rules and stuff does it wrong; they treat the rules like rules in math. I never do that, save for a few specific ones, and my grammar on paper is top notch.

 

The trick? Make sure what you've written actually sounds legit. Not as words on paper, but as speakable sentences, or discrete thoughts in your mind. If it's natural, it's good.*

 

The last part is important, because for one of your lines, "Turning on, with the QUEEN's visor turning bright orange red, the joints began moving with every mechanical noise moving, coisiding with one another", if you stop for a second instead of just pulling out words and phrases from your mind, you'll realize it's not well formulated at all. Yes, the general point may come across, but the full extent of your intentions aren't fully expressed. If English is your first language that much should be recognizable. The rest is just repetition and recognition.

 

Especially when we're talking about writing. You have all the time in the world to form your thoughts, write it down, look them over and edit 'em. This goes for anything you'll ever write in life, unless you're being timed. Fanfiction isn't serious, and you don't gotta treat it seriously, but it's good practice.

 

Pretty writing can come after these basics.

 

* There is a catch to writing only if it sounds natural, and it's that speech often isn't grammatically perfect. Run-on sentences notwithstanding, incomplete sentences or fragments are all too common in daily speech. But we all recognize when tense is improperly changed mid-conversation, and we all know not to use two nouns in succession ("entity organization"). The important thing I'm trying to say is, take your time and let your words pass this first test. Secondary checks can come after.

 

EDIT: I also realize that quite a few of 90's corrections are spelling errors. If you're doing this stuff on Word or some processor that's not Notepad, it's worth using spellcheck.

Edited October 15, 2014 by Siri

[Shirtless Crackhead]

You're not as bad as exogen, and he's a college graduate.

 

So you got that going for ya, which is nice.

[SUMERIAN BLOOD GOD]

No he's much worse than exogen, actually

[Py687]

Has anyone here tried reading fan translation of light novels? I've been going through one and the grammar almost gives me headaches. Edited October 16, 2014 by Siri

[The Talentless]

http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index.php?title=Monogatari_Series

 

The one's that are completed aren't bad, from what I can tell.

[Py687]

http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index.php?title=Sakurasou_no_Pet_na_Kanojo

 

I don't know if I should take that as, you read light novels, or you just skimmed to check grammar.

[The Talentless]

Monogatari is my favourite series of anything, ever, and the fact that the light novels haven't all been translated makes my life difficult.

 

But beyond that, no I don't read LNs outside of Monogatari.

[Shirtless Crackhead]

I was just trying to be nice, since I'm such a dick to new people @90.

[YUNG MASTERLESS GLENCOUR]

lol

 

good effort bruh